Manifesto

I love when Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind holds a turnip to the sky and says she will never go hungry again.  Ever.  And I believe her.  Her short proclamation - her manifesto - puts the universe on notice - you won't screw with me that way again.  Forgive the vulgarity, but I think manifestos are extremely helpful.  Once we say something out-loud or in a big way, we draw a line in the sand.  We let the world know, I'm not going to let you treat me that way.

A good friend and I often tell each other in emails that we are going to change something about the way we are living life.  We say it with such conviction that it leaves no doubt that changes will be made.  It doesn't always have to be something big as in, "I'm going to lose 100 pounds and become a Master Pilates instructor by next month".  It can be something small like, "I'm never going to pay full price for cashmere again".  We do this so often, we now end our mini-manifestos with "Turnip!".  I know just what she means.

But sometimes my manifestos are promises I make only to myself.  They are the secret private pledges that no else needs to know.  If I'm unhappy with the way I'm conducting myself, usually because of a goading provocateur, I will often feel a manifesto coming on.  Here I write them as numbered lists, titled all the same:  "MANIFESTO".  I store them in a computer file and if I need to re-read my manifesto for a booster during times of weakness, I print my list and carry it in my bag for a few days.  Inevitably, I align my behavior with my manifesto and life soon becomes better...more balanced...I am in control again.

Recently, I wrote a manifesto because of a nervous laugh I developed in response to someone's ongoing infantile behavior.  I was tired of the off-color jokes that were making me feel less than, and I was afraid my laughing was giving the impression of collusion.  I had forgotten who I was.  A new manifesto came to the rescue (I will not smile when the joke is delivered...I will tell the jokester I am too busy to chat...I will keep myself doing the work at hand...).

Manifestos are also helpful when I am stressed and unfocused.  This almost always happens when others' expectations of me are simply too high.  By exhibiting the behavior outlined in my manifesto, I discover I have my own important priorities and I forgive myself for not taking on more than my peace of mind allows.  I set the record straight and some boundaries along with it.

I highly recommend personal manifestos.  Written out carefully and thoughtfully, you may discover that you are really doing ok and that someone else may have imposed their own personal agenda on you.  I WILL stay true to my own beliefs... I WILL practice self-care no matter how much others want me to do...I WILL speak my truth quietly and with dignity...I WILL act in a way that is befitting Anne's granddaughter.  And I WILL take as many bubble baths as humanly possible no matter what the drama-du-jour is.  Turnip!

Valentine is pleased to present,

Kurt Hoffman

Our Promised Lands

A 50-State Series

Opening Friday Oct.30 from 6:00-9:00
The exhibit runs through Sunday Nov.22

http://pendulous.org/50states/
valentineridgewood@gmail.com

A Green Dress

When I was young and fresh from college, I took a job working for seven male engineers.  I was shy but they were not.  All were nice men and work was completed, but there was a lot of jockeying and teasing among them and being in a predominately male office, I often felt intimidated.  Looking back, I can see that I was oblivious to any attention they may have given me except for the affected hard time I got whenever I asked for their weekly time sheets on Friday mornings.  But I soon discovered that I was also oblivious to my own charms as well.

Like most of my girlfriends, an alarmingly significant part of my paycheck went to clothes.  I was on my own for the first time and excited by the freedom I had to buy pretty new outfits for work and parties.  I recall a tissue-wool mulberry skirt that gently skimmed my calves. I wore it with a romantic cream chiffon blouse with wide leg-o-mutton sleeves ending in cuffs with two pearl buttons apiece.  I remember several novelty sweaters with feminine details such as embroidered yokes and knit waist ties...and a winter coat - a sweeping nutmeg balmacaan, lined with burnt orange satin as slippery as mercury.

The seven engineers were not impervious to my wardrobe and would often have something to say. But they were innocent casual remarks, such as "I like your shoes".  For the most part, they talked boisterously among themselves and left me to order supplies and type reports for them in the background.

One lunch hour, I ducked into a small shop - an old iconic place in town. It was there that I spotted a beautiful silky green dress as fresh as a lawn of lush summer grass.  The knowing and grandmotherly saleswoman insisted I try it on and when I did, I was a goner.  Its chaste puffed sleeves belied a curvaceous line and beguiling teeny buttons ran from neckline to hem.  The moire silk winked with a now-you-see-it-now-you-don't allure and it made a faint but fetching swishing sound when I walked.  It seemed a very rare garment and I bought it.

When I wore my new dress to the office the next morning, I noticed my engineers were uncharacteristically subdued.  After removing the plastic cover from my typewriter, I glanced behind me to see if they were actually in the office.  Startled, I saw seven pairs of eyes upon me.  Just as my face registered growing confusion, one finally spoke with a voice uncharacteristically thick with uncertainty. "Are we in green today, Miss Macdonald?", he quietly asked.

the happiest news part 2: a look back, plus baby & belly pictures!

// 13 weeks //

Thank you all so much for your sweet comments on my last post announcing our twin pregnancy! It feels good to finally let everyone know we are expecting and that our IVF journey was successful. I'm devoting the rest of this week to answering all of your texts, comments and emails (we've received an overwhelming response from the blog post and CTV story detailing our journey and are feeling the love!).

Here's a look back at some important dates following our egg retrieval:

June 16, 2015: We had our frozen embryo transfer today (FET). Compared to the retrieval and post retrieval recovery, this was easy peasy. I slow walked into the procedure room humming the Rocky theme song and I skipped out PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) with my bright fuschia lipstick still intact. The entire procedure took about 20 minutes in total. Those are our 5 day old baby blastocysts in the picture below.

June 16 to June 25, 2015: The oftentimes dreaded 2WW, two week waiting period, before my beta (blood test). I relaxed and didn't stress, still drank my one cup of tea per day, meditated and used the 4-7-8 breathing method, walked Lucy two to three times a day, ate healthy 80% of the time with 20% allotted to gelato, had fun with family and friends, took my supplements, vitamins and watched bad reality television. In other words, I lived my life and kept busy. I am proud of myself for not testing early (some women take a pregnancy test every day following transfer but I do not recommend it because you'll drive yourself mad). Plus, the HCG in your body could give you a false positive or negative. I kept my sanity by waiting patiently to hear the results of the blood test from a professional. Patience is key. So try your best not to obsess. This article may help with that.

First beta: 9dp5ft: 399 (I'm pregnant! Elation sets in.)
Second beta: 11dp5dt 1146
Third beta: 17dp5dt 13, 340
dp = days past transfer // ft = frozen transfer // 5 = five day old blastocysts were implanted

When I saw these numbers multiplying exponentially, a part of me secretly hoped it was twins.

July 20, 2015: Our first ultrasound at 7 weeks! As soon as the ultrasound technician said the words, "This is Twin A and this is Twin B," we were both in awe. I burst out crying while Scott just kept looking incredulously from me to the screen and back again to me. Huge moment. So much to be thankful for.

After we left the clinic, I couldn't get myself to go home. Instead, I wandered through the J.Crew outlet store (meh!), checked out patio umbrellas at Rona and then went to IKEA for a solo swedish meatball dinner (my guilty pleasure!). I was in a state of happy shock and thought I could process the news with some retail therapy. But I didn't buy a thing, go figure.

August 6, 2015: First ob/gyn appointment. Dr. Chris Hoskins was referred to me by my friend Rosa. Unbeknownst to me, he is also one of the top ten ob/gyns in Edmonton. I quite liked the dude. Best part about him, aside from the fact the man is brilliant? He got my sense of humour, he had a sense of humour and a lovely New Zealand accent, too. Plus, he introduced himself and shook my hand. That makes him an instant winner in my books.

August 12, 2015: Second ultrasound. I was having some localized abdominal pain and wanted to allay my fears. You should have seen Scott's face while watching the ultrasound technician showing him both heartbeats and wee little moving arms and legs. He was like a kid on Christmas morning. My heart almost burst from happiness. He's going to be such a great dad!

August 29, 2015: Nuchal translucency ultrasound. This is a screening for chromosomal abnormalities. The results came back showing numbers equivalent to those of a pregnant 35 year old. So happy!

September 21, 2015: First appointment with Monica Patt, an acupuncturist who works closely with infertility and IVF patients and also provides pregnancy care. I'm hoping she can help me with my anxiety, heartburn and migraine issues. My first session went well (I had fun and laughed a lot!) and I can totally see us becoming fast pals. Hope she's reading this (;

September 23, 2015: Received a phone call from a geneticist at the Lois Hole Hospital for Women with the news my Harmony prenatal test results had come back with a low risk for Trisomy 21 (Down's syndrome), 18 (Edwards syndrome) and 13 (Patau syndrome). Sweet relief.

// 16 weeks //

September 25, 2015: 16 weeks of pregnancy! The realization this is really happening is slowly setting in, and the fears have left both my heart and mind. We are pregnant. IVF worked for us and I can't even begin to explain the joy, relief and gratefulness I feel.

I am going to be a mama! It feels amazing to finally say those words after so long.

If you're eager for little pregnancy updates and periodic twin news, be sure to follow me on Instagram or Facebook. I regularly post personal tidbits over there. And one more big thank you for your well wishes, love, encouragement and for following along. It feels so good to have you sharing in our excitement. xoxo

********

If you're reading this and going through infertility, I get it. Infertility sucks. It's toxic. It cripples you. It hurts when your friends lap you. It's devastating to hear about babies and pregnancy and family. It makes you doubt your body, your sanity, your faith, your everything. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. You can email me at dajanaf@yahoo.com and we can meet at The Tea Girl and sit and chat. Cry too, if needed. In the past three weeks, I've met with three different women to talk about all things infertility and IVF. It helps to speak with someone who has gone through it.

Resources I found helpful:

Facebook groups (these are private closed groups, no one will see that you've joined):

• Edmonton Infertility Support Group
• IVF Support Canada
• Fertility Matters Canada Facebook page  (an open resource page)

Books:

• It Starts with the Egg
• Inconceivable

Website:

• Fertility Matters (Formerly Infertility Awareness Association of Canada)

The Kind of September

�The early morning light was over everything and summer had glanced back and waved a fleeting hand at the day with soft airs and the lingering warmth of sunshine.�

One of my dearest friends passed along that quote to me and I think it perfectly matches the poignant days of September when summer blows its farewell kiss.  We are having beautiful September days in New England.  It is too soon for the leaves to change colors but signs of autumn are everywhere - the sea is steel grey from a distance and mornings are refreshingly cool.  Although I'm not yet up to unpacking sweaters, I do believe I will be wearing them soon.  Sweater Days are on our doorstep and the muse is perched upon my shoulder again.

Golden days inspire me with nostalgia.  Memories are so much more heartrending because September's backdrop is postcard blue skies and whispering breezes.  It's as if everything that happens in September is something lovely to be kept beside your pillow.

~

I ran into a sweet high school boyfriend at our town's annual parade one September long ago -  the day before we were both due back on college campuses.  More than a year had passed since our tender teenage parting but we spent a happy hour sitting together on the parade sidelines with warm rays of sun bathing us in a lemon glow.  When the parade ended, the crowd snapped shut folding chairs and meandered away leaving us alone on the sidewalk.  We knew the time had come to say goodbye.  I stood and shyly looked into his surprisingly misty eyes and felt a tightening lump in my throat which made it impossible to speak. He reached out and softly ran his knuckle up my bare arm as he looked back into my eyes.  Just before he turned and disappeared behind a grove of trees in the park, he mouthed a soundless sad "goodbye".  On my way home, on streets and alleys so familiar I can name them today, I knew my friend and I had grown up.  And then, just then... I felt a shiver in the breeze that told me summer was gone.

the happiest news: we're all kinds of pregnant!

Well, hi. Wondering what I've been up to since my Mexico post? I took the entire summer off from blogging to start growing a couple of babies.

Yes, it's true!

After struggling with infertility for several years, I couldn't be more thrilled to announce that Scott and I are expecting twins in the new year (insert heart and confetti emojis here)!

It's been difficult to keep this news a secret and I've had to bite my tongue many times over the past few months. We're beyond elated and I'm not sure there are words sufficient enough to describe how we feel and how grateful we are (which is ironic coming from a lady who usually has so many words). Our hearts are bursting with love, happiness, excitement and joy and yeah, we're scared and nervous too but we'll figure things out, we always do.

We're finally growing our family! And yet even as I type those words, it still feels surreal. Not a day goes by that I don't turn to Scott and say, "Can you believe we're pregnant, dude? With twins? I'm so excited for us." And then I usually start to cry, overwhelmed by all of the emotions that come with yearning for something for so long and then finally having it become a reality. 

I�m almost 16 weeks along and my energy and appetite are s l o w l y coming back. The first trimester was something else (I had some pretty intense morning all-day sickness)! If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you may have noticed that my food photos have faded to near oblivion over the past few months. That's because the majority of foods, with the exception of anything my mom made, A&W chicken strips, mangos and Bon Ton Bakery croissants, looked, smelled and tasted like roadkill. As someone who lives, breathes and sleeps food, it was rough going. That said, with every wave of queasiness and bout of exhaustion, I knew something amazing was happening in my body and that the IVF had worked. 

We're incredibly thankful for the army of friends and family who stood behind us during this oftentimes excruciatingly emotional and unpredictable journey. You guys are the best cheerleaders a couple could ever have and we love you. 

Thank you as well to everyone who left encouraging words of love and support on my previous blog posts describing our infertility challenges and our egg retrieval procedure. Your positive thoughts helped carry us through an emotionally, physically and mentally draining time. As I've said before, IVF is not for the faint hearted. But we did it. We totally did it. And did I mention I'm knocked up with two babies?! So crazy good.

And of course a million thank yous to our fertility specialist Dr. Motan, nurse Heather, embryologist Ryan and the countless other staff members we came into contact with at the Regional Fertility Clinic. What a gift it is to help couples like us start a family. You are the loveliest people, you made us feel comfortable throughout the process, allayed our fears time and time again and even put up with my wacky sense of humour. 

At the beginning of this journey, Dr. Motan had promised me twins and a 60 pound weight gain and he delivered. I'm hopeful the 60 pound weight gain is still negotiable. (; 

I'm in Vancouver for the next five days for BlogPodium but more details are to come next Wednesday for those of you interested in the IVF timeline and seeing pictures of our babes and my baby belly (fully clothed, I promise). I started writing that post back in June when we had our frozen embryo transfer. Since then, I've been keeping all kinds of wonderful secrets that I'm now ready to share. Hope to see you back here in a week!

Custom illustration by Mabel Garcia.

P.S. Scott and I were on CTV Edmonton today discussing our infertility journey as well as revealing our pregnancy. You can watch the video here.

Something about Heroes

This handsome chap is a friend's grandfather.  His picture received a lot of attention on my Instagram account.  Knowing how much I love old photographs, even those of people I don't know, my friend regularly drops vintage pictures into my greedy hands.  His grandfather reminds me of the Arrow Shirt and Collar man, although he doesn't have the angular planes to his face that the traditional Arrow illustrations do (see below).  Instead, his allure, although masculine, has the softness of a hero in a Grace Livingston Hill novel.  Hill's champions are always strong men with gentle cores that never drift from right decision in everything they do.  They are usually wealthy but conduct themselves with uncompromising integrity in business as well as - and especially in, love. Often, the hero in a Grace Livingston Hill novel spots a woman who is lovely in being but downtrodden in life.  He becomes her sympathizer first, quietly on the sidelines, and then her protector and defender.  Usually a marriage takes place at the end.

Hill's stories are of course, fiction.  Jane Austen subscribed to the same formula and once wrote, "My ladies shall have all they desire, but only after a bit of trouble".  Austen's novels end with voluptuously satisfying weddings.  I love happy endings and I love the good strong men who make all my literary happy endings possible.  They keep me searching for goodness, chivalry and kindness in our upside-down world.  And they give me hope.

Our good-looking fellow became the town dentist who often took no money for his services. I also have a picture of him in his dental office about 1940, and although the place looks like a truly fearsome torture chamber, he is still remembered and kindly so, 70 years later.  Astonishing.  Handsome benevolence - a winning combination for heroes, in novels and in life.

The dentist...far left.